There’s a very simple reason why I’d rather fly solo, or why I’d want to stay single: I hate being disappointed.
I used to be the kind of person who wouldn’t stay single for more than two months. I am not sure exactly why but I am slowly beginning to think it’s because I like affirmation. I like being wanted, being chased, being glorified. If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. I’ll find another,
Then I got older.
I got mellow. I started protecting myself. I started to get picky. I started to learn how to decide not to fall in love. I started appreciating the moments alone. I appreciated being able to eat alone – the peace, the quiet, the satisfaction of being alone and independent. I loved how I could eat alone and not care what others think. I loved how I was happy and could date anyone I liked. I loved my freedom.
Even after all these, I made a mistake. I thought, I’d be less reckless than when I was younger, but I realized I was more daring and careless now compared to before. I fell in love.
After all, what could be so wrong about loving?
Falling in love with the wrong person.
I started to hate myself for it. I began expecting, hoping. I began feeling hurt, disappointed. I started to hate feelings. I hated how I could be so affected with something I know I shouldn’t be. I hated caring. I started getting depressed. I started pushing him away. I hate feeling I loved him more than he loves me. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I hate everything about falling in love.
I am probably selfish, yes. I am the kind of person who’d run away if I know it was hopeless. One reason why I have had so many relationships that just didn’t work out. I’d rather preserve myself than sink head deep in my own shit (feelings). I’d rather just get out and clean myself.
Reality is, it’s a pattern. I hate myself for being part of this loop. If I was alone, if I didn’t fall in love, I’d probably still be happy.
How do I get out?