Tag Archives: love

I really don’t know what this is…

Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.

I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.

Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.

By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.

I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.

A Romantic Line from Literature

This is officially my third post for the year 2015. Wow I’m starting to feel really productive… haha

And I also changed my blog’s theme! Yay for 2015! Moving on…

I was browsing my Facebook yesterday and I saw this post on my news feed, and I clicked on it. I felt so loving and romantic by the time I reached the 43rd quote. So to begin the year, I am sharing with you the said article so we can have some good vibes out there. 🙂

By the way, out of all the quotes, this was what I love the most (and it’s from my favorite poet!) –

Roses and Love

Have you ever loved a rose, and bled against her thorns. And swear each night to let her go, then love her more by dawn. – Lang Leav

Recently, I’ve been reading more of Lang Leav than Neruda or Friedman.

Recently, I have also been crying more than I should. I have been enjoying my time at the office more than I enjoy my time when I get back to my apartment and left alone. I’d rather run, or spend my time in a coffee shop doing jigsaw puzzles or working. I hate being left to contemplate and remember. I am beginning to think that I have been holding on to more memories than I really should.

I’ve been listening to Jason Mraz’s A Beautiful Mess… It’s so weird how that song is so me haha

It’s so weird how I remember him whenever I see anything that pertains to a rose…

On another note… Earlier, I was thinking of how I made most of my personal posts private because my ex told me it’s bad for my online reputation. I stopped writing, and started drinking whenever I feel sad. Sometimes, I’d do things no one would even think I could do. I was pondering on the thought when I realized and asked myself, “why did I have to stop writing?” I remembered why I made this blog in the first place… And why it was entitled, Freedom per Thought.

I wonder if anyone notices more of what’s not there than what is there? For example, will anyone notice what is not written here rather than what is?

Ifs…

If I could bring back the time when we were together, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could see you again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could stare into the depths of your eyes again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could kiss your lips again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could fall in love with you again, I am certain I would not want to.

Because…

If I do bring back the time when we were together, I’d do everything to make you stay.

If I do see you again, I am not sure that I would not run away.

If I could stare into the depths of your eyes again, I may betray that I never wanted to let you go.

If I could kiss your lips again, I may not stop holding on.

If I could fall in love with you again, I may not be able to love someone else when you leave again.

But…

If I could grab the stars, cup them in my hands, and give them to you, I probably would.

If I could light up your night by freeing a cage of fireflies, I probably would.

If I could climb mountains, capture the sunrise to show them to you, I probably would.

If I could trek the ravenous tracks, ask the seeds from God and give them to you to plant, I probably would.

If I could dive underwater and hold my breath until at the brink of death to give you life, I probably would.

Until now, whenever I close my eyes and remember you, I only wish I have never met you. Whenever I remember the smoothness of your skin, I only wish I have never touched you. Whenever I see that we were together, only to realize I was dreaming, I wish I have never fell so hard.

Because…

Probably, just probably, I still love you.

 

A Reply to My Previous Reblog: The Last time I Will Ever Think of You

Dear my recent ex-boyfriend,

I’m the bad person. I know that much.

I’m the one who always complains, whines and wants to break up with you. I can’t even recount the number of times I’ve broken up with you or begged you to let me go.

Those times that I hurt you because I wanted to break up with you were also the times I thought twice about our relationship. I admired your persistence. When we first met, I was clear that I did not want anything more than a friend. You were a great friend. I thought such notion would work well for us. However, you started hitting on me. I did not like you that way. I knew you were fragile. I knew I was going to hurt you. I wanted to keep myself away from you.

You made me choose – either I date you and become your girlfriend or you walk away and I lose you. I was selfish. I did not want to lose a friend so I chose to date you even though I knew I was not ready for a relationship. I swallowed it. I did not feel anything when you touch my hand, or kiss me. I was angry all the time because I regret what you had done to me. If you liked me then as you claimed, why did you have to blackmail me? Why put me in such a position?

Months passed. Weeks have not gone by without fights – mainly because I start it. I was not content. My heart was troubled. I did not like you as a boyfriend. I regretted our relationship. I have insisted on an open dating relationship. You were possessive. I never said “I love you” until two months after. I probably lied because I did not love you like how you want me to love you. I loved you as my friend, as my confidant. Heck, even before our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship started, you knew my secrets – my pains, my wants, my frustrations. When we started dating, you were a frustration and I could not tell anyone.

Three months into our relationship, I opened up about my past relationships. You have always viewed them as a bad past of me. I did not view them as such. They were experiences to me and I’ve accepted them as a part of me. I need not tell the world about my relationships and its details. You wanted to know every bit of it. I told you and you viewed them as faults. I felt like a broken person nobody wanted and needed to be fixed.

I felt like I was a project to you.

You were a vegetarian and when around you, I could not eat meat. It started slowly but eventually you started telling me not to eat meat totally. You never viewed yourself as a controlling person but that is how I view you. What you wanted was what you wanted and I don’t have any say in it. My fault was I let you do that to me. I just lash out and keep on starting fights which hurt you because that was the only way I knew you would even listen to me.

I have always brought up the concept of respect in our fights. I have always felt you did not respect me – my views, my opinions, my habits, my past, myself. With you, I felt I just lost myself. I felt like damaged goods. Probably because that was how you viewed me. I was someone to be fixed. The ironic thing about it is that before you, I did not feel that. I felt I was free and happy and I could do a lot of things. Then you happened.

I lied about many things. Sometimes I would say I did not eat meat but for dinner, there was only meat so I ate it. You would have wanted me to skip meals anyway. Sometimes I would also say that I am going to sleep, but I was actually up until 2 in the morning watching a TV show. Almost all my time was spent messaging you that’s why I couldn’t get time for myself and do things I want to do. You have always complained when I don’t message for two minutes. What more if I disappeared for hours watching TV? For you, couples should always be messaging and be in touch. I was not like that from the beginning. You wanted me to change. So I tried messaging you all the time. I have to admit I get bored most of the time because you just wanted to talk about how much I love you or how much I wanted to hug or kiss you. I didn’t enjoy talking about those things.

You have always been a sensitive person. Oversensitive, in fact. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia and forget who I am so I could forget about you. I almost always lied about my feelings because I hated to see you sad if I answered truthfully and I knew it would make you sad. I have always felt imprisoned by you. You just probably loved me too much.

I eventually changed and appreciated you more. You were a rock I could lean on, a friend who could listen to me. You changed too. You didn’t need me to message you all the time. It came to a point that you were my only happiness. Fights became less frequent – we could go on for five straight days without fighting. I was happy. I loved you. Truly. However, not as much as you loved me. My love was not enough. Heck, I did not even mind that my parents knew about our relationship and yours don’t. You said your mom flared up when you told her you liked me. She clearly did not want her son involved with me because I am from another country. I have a different culture, different food habits, different language. I was a secret for over a year and I did not mind that everyone knew except people who were really important to you.

We were going to separate and I was clear I did not want a long distance relationship. You wanted to keep the relationship. Two days later, I changed my mind and said we should try it. We finally separated but we were in touch. It was not enough. We fight a lot mainly because I am fickle. I knew I loved you but it was not enough. I cannot see myself with you in the future. I could not commit to you. I could not take it anymore that I was a secret. I felt like a person no one wanted. It hurts when I see my friends in a stable and committed relationship. I was envious. I was not happy.

I told you in the midst of my depression that I was not happy. I have been truthful. I was clear that I cannot see myself with you in the future. I was clear that I do not love you as much as you love me. Fights were frequent again. I was the bad person. I was the liar.

I am sorry if you felt led on. I did not want to do that. I thought I would try. I’m sorry. I should not have blamed you. I was angry. I was angry because of the decisions I made. I should have let you walk away from the beginning. I should have not been selfish. We could have been both spared a lot of pain. I’m sorry I want this over. I’m sorry that I make you feel your love is not enough. You loved me too much and I was not grateful enough. I’m sorry I come running back to you even after telling you I’m breaking up with you. I should have been strong to walk away. I have personal issues. I am not a person you deserve.

You deserve someone better – someone worthy of your love. To move on with our lives you have to let me go. Please let me go so you can be happy.

There are many truths and lies in our relationship. You need only remember one truth: I have loved you. However, I cannot give you the same. I am setting you free and I want you to fly free. Don’t hold on to me. Please be happy.

Sincerely,

xxxx

C.S. Lewis: To Love at All as Illustrated by Zen Pencils

The cartoon below actually reminded me of my boyfriend right now. I remember how I used to be so mean to him and not care how much he loves me. Now, ever since coming here to Louisiana, I appreciate him more. I can say I’m actually more in love with him and it even got me to thinking he might be the one. I actually wish he is.

Zen Pencils article also read –

‘The full version of this quote, taken from Lewis’s book, The Four Loves, reads:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”’

103. C.S. LEWIS: To love at all

Aging

There are times when I actually regret that I had fallen in love the first time and it had ended how it ended. I remembered the person I was before it happened – innocent and trusting. I remembered how unassuming I was that he already liked me, how I tried to avoid liking him because I thought he didn’t like me. I remembered him saying he liked me because I was young and innocent.

Now it’s all gone.

Most of the time I wish I was still innocent so I can still look at people with trust, or at most, not be so jaded about love. It’s not that I am cursing love at all… what worries me more is that, right now, I’m actually choosing to forget about it because I knew how much it hurt. I do agree and appreciate people in love. I am happy for them. I just don’t know how I would be able to fall in love the next time. I don’t have that much wonder about it anymore, nor do I trust it that much.

I remember that person I fell in love with tell me that love is overrated. I don’t think it is at all. I think it is just what they say it is. It’s beautiful, and unfortunately some people don’t deserve it. However, once I have forgotten about this, I might also become an empty shell of a person, with no love to share or feel at all. And that is the scariest of all.

The Play of Emotions

Have you ever noticed how one bad thing can ruin a really good day just like *snaps fingers* that? I had been thinking of how I actually had a somewhat okay day yesterday – no frills, no sadness. I went to play badminton with some of the newly found friends I met, and we had a good exercise. We went for dinner at a grill house just outside the court. The food was even good. And then, later on that night, I went to sleep in a fetus position, hugging my white seal stuff toy, with my hotdog pillow behind me. Why? Just because I couldn’t print out my completed DS-160 application and I bought the wrong ink for my printer which I forgot about and I’m past a day of the 7 days allowance for an exchange. The inks cost a lot (around 48 USD).

I was pretty pissed off the whole night until I got tired and decided to curl into a ball and mope which sucks. I clearly blame PMS.

I would also like to think that everything has just a way of balancing itself – such as how you were in bliss for a period of a week and then everything will just come crashing down on you for a month. Or you’re just happy for probably three months and then you found out something which crushes your happiness and you run off and walk the length of a highway in the dead middle of the night, discerning if you should go back home which is two to three hours away or sleep on this bench where you spend an hour after walking, holding back your tears. Or you just suddenly realized you’re actually in love for the first time and then three months after you find out he was never actually in love with you and all that he said was a consolation of some sort to spare your feelings just for a little while.

It took six months to fall in love with him. It took six months to burn the bridge, at least partly. It took two months to try and reconnect, and somehow it failed. It took him two months after that to ask if I was still alive. It took him two weeks to burn the bridge again. It took two more months for me to set fire to the whole of the bridge and pretend it never existed, and somehow hoping that in another reality, it never did.

It took a year and two months to not hurt again. It took six months to build a sturdy wall. The cycle may just happen again but you won’t expect it’ll be soon because you built a wall strong enough that the Hulk can’t even smash it.

Don’t you just hate how emotions can be rolled and rolled around, unpredictable and unstoppable?

UPDATE: Office Warehouse allowed my items to be exchanged!!! They’re awesome. 🙂

Swallow Your Feelings « Thought Catalog

Swallow Your Feelings « Thought Catalog.

I just feel the need to share this.

Swallow Your Feelings

 DEC. 2, 2011 By JULIE BECK

Swallow your feelings. Scoop them neatly and don’t let them spill or leave a stain. Chew them quickly – don’t savor them – just long enough to make them an unrecognizable mush before pushing them down to be dissolved in the acid below. Start small, just the ones you can handle: sadness when someone dies in a movie, anger at tech support. Those are the ones that make sense, that go down smooth.

Others are harder to swallow, the complex, multi-course meals made of layer after layer of uncertainty and guilt, warring flavors of disbelief and longing to believe, fear of getting what you want and fear of losing what you never had. It’s okay if you can’t choke them down right away, if they get stuck halfway and leave a lump in your throat, if they make you sick and some of them leak out through your eyes and nose or burst out of your mouth when you least expect it. It happens to the best of us. You just have to build up a tolerance. Consume them little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have room on your plate for something else, something better.

Just as you can’t remember the time before you ate solid food, soon it will become second nature. One day you’ll wonder when the last time you cried was, and find you can’t remember. That’s great, you’ll think, no one can hurt you now. No one can touch you. You are a pristine and impenetrable fortress of stoicism. Everything is blank and immaculate.

Carry on and don’t give it another thought. Not until someone asks you how you feel and you don’t have an answer because you just don’t know. Not until something happens and you laugh when you were supposed to cry because somewhere along the way the wires got crossed. Not until someone is sitting in front of you, spewing their feelings and begging for yours and all you can think is what a mess they’ve made in the place you’ve worked so hard to keep so tidy.