Tag Archives: work

I really don’t know what this is…

Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.

I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.

Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.

By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.

I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.

Contemplation

Being unemployed gave me a lot of time to think… and contemplate about a lot of things. I realized I have been so proud and I thought I could do anything. However, I was not employed in 3 seconds. I have been underqualified, overqualified, “can’t be afforded” and all kinds of misfits into a job. I have asked God again and again why I cannot get a job, and I started wondering what I will do with my life.

Before, when an interviewer would ask me what I want to do or be in the future, I’d tell them I want to be a C-executive. The last two weeks I’ve realized that I wanted something more. I wanted to still be able to do things that I love doing – like traveling – even though I have a job. I want to not be limited working just a job. I want something more. I want to shake things up, change the way those around me think. Change the politics, change processes. I want to change the game. It’s a big dream, I know. I don’t know how I will do it but I am hoping I will have the opportunity to. Right now, just take one step at a time.

Yesterday, I accepted an offer from an IT service company. My head reeled around the possibilities of what I could do with what I will be earning. I have made myself a budget. In the end, I planned to allocate a part of my salary to sponsor a child’s education through a foundation.

I’m not earning a large amount of money. I just felt that I should give back, and not go back to that proud person that I was.

Part I: Discerning

Yesterday, my thoughts were in disarray. I was so confused and I didn’t know what direction to take, or if I have been doing things right.

I have been scouting for a school for Masters. Before, I have been casually browsing through universities and business schools, but now it seems as if I have become too overwhelmed. I think this all started when I read this article, We the restless, which was published several days ago in a local newspaper. I can relate well since on my first job with IBM, I only stayed for a few months – five and a half – to be precise. I was on contract then, and was finally offered the position but according to the management, I would have to be under probation for three more months because my contract was initially under project-based or contractual. I was offered to stay in my position thrice. I rejected it thrice. Here’s why:

  1. I felt that I had no personal growth if I stayed there. Sure, I felt I could climb up the corporate ladder but how long would it take me? The person I replaced moved one position higher after 5 years working there.
  2. I felt no fulfillment. It was just about serving the client and attending to their problems and issues, then reporting it. It was very administrative. At the end of it all, I would be asking myself, what I had done significantly today? I was actually glad that nowadays, most people would look for a fulfilling job irregardless of the salary. I also read this article online citing the desire of the workforce for some meaningful work, something that would give them fulfillment.
  3. Third – I was bored. There were times when the pressure is high and the adrenaline is rushing, but most days, I was just bored of the plain old routine. And I would be the last person who likes routine.
  4. I was earning very little. Even if we have twice a year increase, I would estimate my salary to increase only 10% per year at the most.
  5. Before I left, there was news of relocating to another site. This site would add 30 more minutes of driving from my house.

And then I transferred to government… vis-a-vis my IBM experience…

  1. I think I’ve grown a lot… the work in the government is very dynamic. Of course, before I was transferred departments, I felt utterly useless but now that I moved, there are a lot of things I have learned but I feel they aren’t enough.
  2. It’s more fulfilling knowing you’re affecting many people and you know that you’re doing it for their good. However, the downside is, who gives a crap about this? When they ask me what my position is I have to ask, “officially or what I really do?” You see, in government, it’s very hard to get an item thus why no one in their proper mind (unless they’re a martyr, incompetent or heroic) would actually spend their years or even attempt to go into government.
  3. Well, I’m not bored. Sometimes I would relish the down days when there aren’t too much activities, because to be honest, it’s very stressful. Compared to this, IBM is very very very relaxed.
  4. I’m still earning very little. Although my salary is much higher than if I would have stayed in IBM. Bad thing is, the government doesn’t have budgets for salary increase. It’s all about heroism.
  5. I had to rent a place because it takes me 50 minutes more to travel to the office as compared to my last job. It takes me 15-20 minutes walking from the apartment to the office.

I know, I’m starting to think I make really bad decisions. So now that makes me confused about my position right now…

To be continued… just because I know no one wants to read long posts unless they’re funny.