Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.
I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.
Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.
By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.
I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.
Being unemployed gave me a lot of time to think… and contemplate about a lot of things. I realized I have been so proud and I thought I could do anything. However, I was not employed in 3 seconds. I have been underqualified, overqualified, “can’t be afforded” and all kinds of misfits into a job. I have asked God again and again why I cannot get a job, and I started wondering what I will do with my life.
Before, when an interviewer would ask me what I want to do or be in the future, I’d tell them I want to be a C-executive. The last two weeks I’ve realized that I wanted something more. I wanted to still be able to do things that I love doing – like traveling – even though I have a job. I want to not be limited working just a job. I want something more. I want to shake things up, change the way those around me think. Change the politics, change processes. I want to change the game. It’s a big dream, I know. I don’t know how I will do it but I am hoping I will have the opportunity to. Right now, just take one step at a time.
Yesterday, I accepted an offer from an IT service company. My head reeled around the possibilities of what I could do with what I will be earning. I have made myself a budget. In the end, I planned to allocate a part of my salary to sponsor a child’s education through a foundation.
I’m not earning a large amount of money. I just felt that I should give back, and not go back to that proud person that I was.
Yesterday, my thoughts were in disarray. I was so confused and I didn’t know what direction to take, or if I have been doing things right.
I have been scouting for a school for Masters. Before, I have been casually browsing through universities and business schools, but now it seems as if I have become too overwhelmed. I think this all started when I read this article, We the restless, which was published several days ago in a local newspaper. I can relate well since on my first job with IBM, I only stayed for a few months – five and a half – to be precise. I was on contract then, and was finally offered the position but according to the management, I would have to be under probation for three more months because my contract was initially under project-based or contractual. I was offered to stay in my position thrice. I rejected it thrice. Here’s why:
- I felt that I had no personal growth if I stayed there. Sure, I felt I could climb up the corporate ladder but how long would it take me? The person I replaced moved one position higher after 5 years working there.
- I felt no fulfillment. It was just about serving the client and attending to their problems and issues, then reporting it. It was very administrative. At the end of it all, I would be asking myself, what I had done significantly today? I was actually glad that nowadays, most people would look for a fulfilling job irregardless of the salary. I also read this article online citing the desire of the workforce for some meaningful work, something that would give them fulfillment.
- Third – I was bored. There were times when the pressure is high and the adrenaline is rushing, but most days, I was just bored of the plain old routine. And I would be the last person who likes routine.
- I was earning very little. Even if we have twice a year increase, I would estimate my salary to increase only 10% per year at the most.
- Before I left, there was news of relocating to another site. This site would add 30 more minutes of driving from my house.
And then I transferred to government… vis-a-vis my IBM experience…
- I think I’ve grown a lot… the work in the government is very dynamic. Of course, before I was transferred departments, I felt utterly useless but now that I moved, there are a lot of things I have learned but I feel they aren’t enough.
- It’s more fulfilling knowing you’re affecting many people and you know that you’re doing it for their good. However, the downside is, who gives a crap about this? When they ask me what my position is I have to ask, “officially or what I really do?” You see, in government, it’s very hard to get an item thus why no one in their proper mind (unless they’re a martyr, incompetent or heroic) would actually spend their years or even attempt to go into government.
- Well, I’m not bored. Sometimes I would relish the down days when there aren’t too much activities, because to be honest, it’s very stressful. Compared to this, IBM is very very very relaxed.
- I’m still earning very little. Although my salary is much higher than if I would have stayed in IBM. Bad thing is, the government doesn’t have budgets for salary increase. It’s all about heroism.
- I had to rent a place because it takes me 50 minutes more to travel to the office as compared to my last job. It takes me 15-20 minutes walking from the apartment to the office.
I know, I’m starting to think I make really bad decisions. So now that makes me confused about my position right now…
To be continued… just because I know no one wants to read long posts unless they’re funny.