How do you tell…

My mother asked me earlier after noticing my swollen eyes, “Have you been crying?”

I answered, “I fell asleep, and just woke up.”

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most, your mom, that you have spent the past 6 hours crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been in a war against yourself for the past 3 years and you’ve tried so hard to keep it together but now you’re just falling into pieces?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, someone ripped your spirit into dust, and all you are left with is a silent torment?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have spent the past two and a half hours snapping a rubber band on your wrist repeatedly to manage the urges?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have endured so much and all you can remember were the hurtful words that were carelessly said, and the hurtful actions that were unwittingly done?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that the thoughts which are running in your head was about that person you thought of every waking moment – his eyes, his nose, his lips, his smile – and how he raised his voice at you in public for the nth time?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when he spoke like that with you in public, you tried to keep a straight face and show you don’t care because you knew that if for one second, you look at him, you’d end up crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when you finally ended up crying in front of that person despite your willful efforts – that he just looked at you unemotionally while you try to quickly wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you knew he wouldn’t wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been tormenting yourself by going back again and again, telling yourself it would always be the last time you’re going to be hurt again?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, your skin shivers, your cells are screaming, your mind is barely keeping itself together, and you’re seconds away from breaking down?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you just want to sleep forever to forget the pain?

…because, in all honesty, how do you tell those to that one person you love without disappointing, worrying or hurting them?