How do you tell…

My mother asked me earlier after noticing my swollen eyes, “Have you been crying?”

I answered, “I fell asleep, and just woke up.”

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most, your mom, that you have spent the past 6 hours crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been in a war against yourself for the past 3 years and you’ve tried so hard to keep it together but now you’re just falling into pieces?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, someone ripped your spirit into dust, and all you are left with is a silent torment?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have spent the past two and a half hours snapping a rubber band on your wrist repeatedly to manage the urges?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have endured so much and all you can remember were the hurtful words that were carelessly said, and the hurtful actions that were unwittingly done?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that the thoughts which are running in your head was about that person you thought of every waking moment – his eyes, his nose, his lips, his smile – and how he raised his voice at you in public for the nth time?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when he spoke like that with you in public, you tried to keep a straight face and show you don’t care because you knew that if for one second, you look at him, you’d end up crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when you finally ended up crying in front of that person despite your willful efforts – that he just looked at you unemotionally while you try to quickly wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you knew he wouldn’t wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been tormenting yourself by going back again and again, telling yourself it would always be the last time you’re going to be hurt again?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, your skin shivers, your cells are screaming, your mind is barely keeping itself together, and you’re seconds away from breaking down?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you just want to sleep forever to forget the pain?

…because, in all honesty, how do you tell those to that one person you love without disappointing, worrying or hurting them?

Gmail Password Leak Update

WordPress.com News

This week, a group of hackers released a list of about 5 million Gmail addresses and passwords. This list was not generated as a result of an exploit of WordPress.com, but since a number of emails on the list matched email addresses associated with WordPress.com accounts, we took steps to protect our users.

We downloaded the list, compared it to our user database, and proactively reset over 100,000 accounts for which the password given in the list matched the WordPress.com password. We also sent email notification of the password reset containing instructions for regaining access to the account. Users who received the email were instructed to follow these steps:

1. Go to WordPress.com.
2. Click the “Login” button on the homepage.
3. Click on the link “Lost your password?”
4. Enter your WordPress.com username.
5. Click the “Get New Password” button.

In general, it’s very important that passwords be unique for each account. Using the same…

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The Last Time I’ll Ever Think About You

I feel like if my recent ex-boyfriend wrote me a letter, he would have written this.

Home Sweet Home (?)

continued from “What’s up, ketchup”…

• On February 20, 2014, I boarded a flight to the Philippines. I will be arriving February 22. I was afraid that many things would have changed since I left even though I’ve only been gone for a year and a half.
• I arrived. I was excited to see my family. As I exited the airport with the cart full of my luggage, I strained my neck and squinted my eyes searching for them. I ended up waiting in one place for about ten minutes, messaging them using an internet website as I do not have a local mobile number. I went to the other waiting place looking for them. One guard approached me and lent me his cellphone so I can call my parents. I was able to contact my dad and lo and behold, they were at my previous location. They came to meet me. I thanked the guard for his kindness and half-walked half-ran towards my dad when I saw him. I was kinda pissed (I know I shouldn’t have been). Apparently, they left the house ten minutes before I landed.
• On the way home, my dad bought pan de sal. Oh how I missed it. Even though it was not warm, I just wanted it badly. I was also looking for taho. Until today, I haven’t had it. I noticed not much has changed. Same old substandard roads. Still has ongoing constructions. Man, those roads must have undergone a gazillion constructions because there’s always one every year.
• We reached home. I missed home. I missed my room. The first thing my sister did was take a photo of me and post it on FB with the captions, “SHE’S BACK… and she’s fat!!” Of course, my friends loved it.
• My friends were messaging me. I felt missed. It’s like that during the hype of the moment. Today, 5 days after I arrived, not many notice the difference.
• The first two days, I felt time was so slow. Maybe I’m just getting used again to the pace of life here. In the US, everything came so fast. Probably because everything was much more convenient and electronically-ridden? By that I mean, internet’s fast that you get lost in it. Netflix and Hulu are there so hours tick by. I even felt I was growing older much more rapidly. Scary.
• Monday came and I went to the LTO to renew my license. At least they don’t require drug test now. I find that just an additional hassle. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve never taken illegal drugs (of course when I imply legal drugs, I mean the meds!). It’s just that it takes additional time and it’s annoying. Anyway, I renewed my license. Lucky senior citizens – they didn’t need to fall in line. The application form and medical processes were fast. The photo and signature process was also fast. When it came to the payment and releasing, I don’t know what in the world the cashier was doing – playing solitaire, updating whatnot records, or whatever but she just stopped taking payments for twenty five minutes. People were piling up inside the small A/C-less space and the employees in the payment and releasing seem to not care. This is aside from the fact that they arrived at 9:40 am when the office should be open at 9:00 am. My point is, everything could be done much more efficiently. What’s the point of prolonging it? And why can’t the government update the computer systems so the employees need not use ancient conking ones? Yeah, I should know the answer, I’ve worked there.
• I just found it ironic and funny that I was so scared that everything would have changed when I’m back. I was expecting that I would not recognize the places. Many things have changed, yes. Few things have also changed. I guess this is why Asians seem ageless? Institutions seem to be also stuck in time. It’s the same old, same old Philippines that I remember. Not much has changed.

What’s up, ketchup?

So as I always say to my sister when I greet her, “What’s up, ketchup?”

• January 11, 2014 was my last post (not counting the first post I have written today). What happened after that? My brother celebrated his birthday and I wasn’t with my family. I was still living abroad, with my cousin and watching the hours tick by. I have met with my boyfriend as often as I can. We decided that we will still be applying for jobs in the US while we are still there. If we do not have jobs until the end of the month, we’d decide to leave the country.
• I was not secretive when I whined repeatedly to anyone who would listen that I want to go back to the Philippines. It has been too lonely – I have been away for far too long. Being unemployed didn’t help either. I was left to my own thoughts most of the nights. I’d keep myself preoccupied by watching Netflix and Hulu. I’ve also revived an old game platform just to keep me busy.
• I started daydreaming about the times when I was back in my country. I remember feeling so happy. It was ironic that in a country where almost every professional wants to leave, I wanted to come back.
• The end of the month came, and I started telling my parents that I’m booking a flight back. My boyfriend suggested we wait a little longer because hiring period had just begun and his dad persuaded him to stay and try more.
  • In any country wherein help is limited and visa limitations are not aiding you, it is very difficult to find a job.
  • We’ve seen our classmates getting jobs, and we wondered how? Apparently, faking resumes are personally (to them) acceptable, politically accepted and “ethically” okay (because everyone does it anyway). It’s depressing. My boyfriend and I wondered why are we not getting jobs? We have strong resumes. Oh yes, we are not citizens and we do not have green cards.
• Around the first week of February, I booked my ticket. February 20, 2014. I was ecstatic. I remember waking up the next day feeling so jovial because I’m coming home. My own worries caught up to me. As my boyfriend said, the pastures are always greener on the other side.
  • I thought, he’s right. What if after all this time, it wasn’t what I thought it was? All those memories before I’m leaving. What if I just chose to feel them because I was lonely where I was?
  • I had a feeling of dread. What if my friends are not as I remember they were? What if they changed?
  • One of my boyfriend’s friends told him, “Why are you coming back? It will appear like you are a failure because you’ve returned!” His main point was that we came to the US to not only study but to get jobs. However, who would want to sponsor a work visa for us when we don’t even have five years worth of work experience? I have also come to peace with that fact. From the beginning, I never really wanted to stay in the US. I stayed because my boyfriend was staying, and I wanted to tell myself that I have at least tried to get a job. (I should have just stuck with my plan because I kind of regret that decision for some reason.) But as they said, no crying over spilled milk. It was a good experience.
  • I also thought, what if I don’t get a job in my country? What if I hated it there?

to be continued…

I want to write about a lot of things, but why does time not permit me?

I know that was a very long title. So many things had happened the past few days. I guess, that’s what life is – so many things happen in your life, you don’t write about it, it gets buried somewhere deep inside your subconscious – that is, until that certain day that you either remember it out of nowhere or someone reminds you of it.

Let me just start with time –

I have a big issue with time. Time is a big pain in the ass. Time is a sadistic life-sucking brutal entity that hounds my days. I’ve always felt I’ve never really had time to do what I want to do. It’s just that the time is never enough for everything. Time management? I know, I know. In an ideal world, there would be no such thing. There would be no time. (Or maybe I would be the best in time management? That’s for another discussion.)

In addition, time also makes me grow old. As time passes, I’m one more day closer to turning another year. I’m also one more day closer to death. It would be really awesome if I could be in Neverland and maybe learn a new skill like swimming or talking to mermaids. Or I could be a vampire – just never grow old. And I don’t mind being a nocturnal creature as long as I’m a sizzling hot lady. I’m blabbing.

I am grateful though, that right now I have some extra time, thus taking advantage of it to write. So prepare your feeds! (Not that I’m gonna write gazillions. I just really wanted to point the “time” thing.

What People Do When They Don’t Really Love You

My Personality Type: The Independent Thinker

Today I took this personality test from iPersonic. It had interesting results… now, if only I have an actual job.

My Personality Type: The Independent Thinker

Independent Thinkers are analytical and witty persons. They are normally self-confident and do not let themselves get worked up by conflicts and criticism. They are very much aware of their own strengths and have no doubts about their abilities.

People of this personality type are often very successful in their career as they have both competence and purposefulness. Independent Thinkers are excellent strategists; logic, systematics and theoretical considerations are their world. They are eager for knowledge and always endeavour to expand and perfect their knowledge in any area which is interesting for them. Abstract thinking comes naturally to them; scientists and computer specialists are often of this type.

Independent Thinkers are specialists in their area. The development of their ideas and visions is important to them; they love being as flexible as possible and, ideally, of being able to work alone because they often find it a strain having to make their complex trains of thought understandable to other people. Independent Thinkers cannot stand routine. Once they consider an idea to be good it is difficult to make them give it up; they pursue the implementation of that idea obstinately and persistently, also in the face of external opposition.

Independent Thinkers are not the type who easily comes out of his shell. Speaking about their emotional life is also not one of their strong points. Anyway, social relationships are not particularly important to them; they are happy with just a few, close friends who find it easy to share their intellectual world. They find it difficult to establish new ties. In love, they need a lot of space and independence but this does not mean that their partner is not important to them. Independent Thinkers often make a cool and reserved impression on others; but this impression is deceptive: they can hardly bear it if people close to them should reject them. They prefer a harmonious, balanced relationship with a partner who shares their interests and with whom they can realise their visions.

Career Advice

Like all Thinker types you tend to lean towards perfectionism and in the work place you are always striving for as much knowledge and expertise as possible. You are rarely or never satisfied with your accomplishments and that applies to yours as well as the achievements of others. Sometimes that makes it pretty difficult for your colleagues and subordinates to please you. Once you have privately tagged somebody with the label of incompetent, they will not have an easy time in your working environment. However, for those who manage to gain your respect with ability and intellect, you are an equally quick-witted as well as sagacious colleague who is ready to solve even the most difficult problems without apparent effort.

Hardly any other type is as interested in wielding power. However, the Thinker is less interested in wielding power over other people but rather considers controlling nature and his environment to be much more interesting. This is the main motivation for your continuous hunger – almost an obsession – for more information. Improving your capabilities and expanding the store of your knowledge and experience is your life’s main objective.

You are as hard on yourself and your own achievements as on others, and you put great pressure on yourself in your work environment. Sometimes you agonize over self-doubt thinking that you may not accomplish anything after all. Occasionally you stand in your own way obstructing your superior capabilities instead of being able to utilize them. In case it actually happens that you make a mistake, you mercilessly exercise self-criticism and double your efforts for perfection. Your coolness may occasionally appear to be arrogance, and that often deceives people around you about what really moves you.

The Ten Sentences That Can Change Your Perspective in Life – from 9GAG

Unemployment

It’s officially my first three days of unemployment. Sad that I have to go through this again – the job hunt. I’m now looking for opportunities – full-time jobs and internships here in the US. I gotta say, I expected it to be hard to find even an internship here. What I didn’t expect is that it’ll be harder. Worse, it was harder to find jobs and internships which require a Master graduate.

On a more positive note, I’m happy my parents are here. We’re staying at my cousin’s bigger house. We got a whole house to ourselves with a pool. Can I just say, awesome! It would be good to get a job in Sacramento so I wouldn’t have to worry about rent and just live here. Of course, I am open to anywhere here in US. It would be good if I can get experience here, better if a career.

Wish me luck.