Category Archives: Love

I confessed…

I signed up for a Catholic seminar a month ago. The seminar was supposed to be held from August 26-27, and one of the preparations required for attendees is to confess.

I confessed.

After so many years, I confessed. After years of keeping all my sins a secret because I was so guilty, and embarrassed, I confessed.

The priest centered around one topic before letting me go – Love.

He said, see God’s image in everyone and you will learn how to care, you will learn how to love.


That night, I told him I confessed my sins to the priest.

He asked me what I confessed. He was curious.

I said, it will make you think terribly of me. I did something terrible.

He insisted. I said I’d rather keep it a secret. He kept quiet.

After a few minutes of silence, I realized I should tell him because he deserves to know. It was a risk. He might hate me, be disgusted by me… but I decided. I decided I want to be honest with someone. I want that relationship wherein I am me, and that I know he knows he can trust me.

I told him.

He said, “that doesn’t make you a terrible person,” then he held me tight and that lulled me to sleep.

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Healing through Love

Like before, he is with me through tough times. Unlike before, we have a mutual understanding of what we are to each other.

Most nights I stay up and talk to him. Most nights I can’t get enough of talking to him.


Two weeks ago, around 3 PM:

Me (via text): I’m having a bad day at work.

***

Me (upon seeing him): Hey, how was your day?

Him: Why did you have a bad day at work? What happened?

It was the first time in a long time that someone actually cared to ask me how my day went. It was the first time in a long time that someone actually remembered I had a bad day and didn’t talk about his day first. I was so used to listening to other people that it surprised me that someone would want to hear what I had to say.


When we were talking about the girls he could have met up with last year…

Me: So if you’re so lazy to meet up with girls, why did you always visit me in Taft?

Him: Because… you’re good. You have a good profile, and you’re (a) good (person).


Some days I’d imagine where could our conversations lead…

Me: So you’ve really never fallen in love?

Him: Never

Me: Why not?

Him: Because… (pause) How do you know you’re in love?

Me: It’s when you always want to hold his hand even if you’re just lying down on the bed talking or going about your business. It’s when you talk and you look at him and you knew your eyes are twinkling. It’s when you gaze at him and think how much you want to kiss him but you don’t. It’s when you catch yourself stealing glimpses of him while he works on his laptop. It’s when in the mornings you wrap your arms around him, and you never want to get up even though you’re late for work. It’s when you look at him while he’s sleeping and wish that what you have right now won’t end. It’s when you wake up and look at him sleeping beside you and think how every single day of your life would be complete if you wake up every morning with him beside you.

Him: Is that how you feel about me?

Me: Yes.

How do you tell…

My mother asked me earlier after noticing my swollen eyes, “Have you been crying?”

I answered, “I fell asleep, and just woke up.”

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most, your mom, that you have spent the past 6 hours crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been in a war against yourself for the past 3 years and you’ve tried so hard to keep it together but now you’re just falling into pieces?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, someone ripped your spirit into dust, and all you are left with is a silent torment?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have spent the past two and a half hours snapping a rubber band on your wrist repeatedly to manage the urges?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have endured so much and all you can remember were the hurtful words that were carelessly said, and the hurtful actions that were unwittingly done?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that the thoughts which are running in your head was about that person you thought of every waking moment – his eyes, his nose, his lips, his smile – and how he raised his voice at you in public for the nth time?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when he spoke like that with you in public, you tried to keep a straight face and show you don’t care because you knew that if for one second, you look at him, you’d end up crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when you finally ended up crying in front of that person despite your willful efforts – that he just looked at you unemotionally while you try to quickly wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you knew he wouldn’t wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been tormenting yourself by going back again and again, telling yourself it would always be the last time you’re going to be hurt again?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, your skin shivers, your cells are screaming, your mind is barely keeping itself together, and you’re seconds away from breaking down?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you just want to sleep forever to forget the pain?

…because, in all honesty, how do you tell those to that one person you love without disappointing, worrying or hurting them?

I really don’t know what this is…

Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.

I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.

Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.

By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.

I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.

A Romantic Line from Literature

This is officially my third post for the year 2015. Wow I’m starting to feel really productive… haha

And I also changed my blog’s theme! Yay for 2015! Moving on…

I was browsing my Facebook yesterday and I saw this post on my news feed, and I clicked on it. I felt so loving and romantic by the time I reached the 43rd quote. So to begin the year, I am sharing with you the said article so we can have some good vibes out there. 🙂

By the way, out of all the quotes, this was what I love the most (and it’s from my favorite poet!) –

Roses and Love

Have you ever loved a rose, and bled against her thorns. And swear each night to let her go, then love her more by dawn. – Lang Leav

Recently, I’ve been reading more of Lang Leav than Neruda or Friedman.

Recently, I have also been crying more than I should. I have been enjoying my time at the office more than I enjoy my time when I get back to my apartment and left alone. I’d rather run, or spend my time in a coffee shop doing jigsaw puzzles or working. I hate being left to contemplate and remember. I am beginning to think that I have been holding on to more memories than I really should.

I’ve been listening to Jason Mraz’s A Beautiful Mess… It’s so weird how that song is so me haha

It’s so weird how I remember him whenever I see anything that pertains to a rose…

On another note… Earlier, I was thinking of how I made most of my personal posts private because my ex told me it’s bad for my online reputation. I stopped writing, and started drinking whenever I feel sad. Sometimes, I’d do things no one would even think I could do. I was pondering on the thought when I realized and asked myself, “why did I have to stop writing?” I remembered why I made this blog in the first place… And why it was entitled, Freedom per Thought.

I wonder if anyone notices more of what’s not there than what is there? For example, will anyone notice what is not written here rather than what is?

I’d Rather Fly Solo

There’s a very simple reason why I’d rather fly solo, or why I’d want to stay single: I hate being disappointed. 

I used to be the kind of person who wouldn’t stay single for more than two months. I am not sure exactly why but I am slowly beginning to think it’s because I like affirmation. I like being wanted, being chased, being glorified. If it doesn’t work out, it’s okay. I’ll find another,

Then I got older.

I got mellow. I started protecting myself. I started to get picky. I started to learn how to decide not to fall in love. I started appreciating the moments alone. I appreciated being able to eat alone – the peace, the quiet, the satisfaction of being alone and independent. I loved how I could eat alone and not care what others think. I loved how I was happy and could date anyone I liked. I loved my freedom.

Even after all these, I made a mistake. I thought, I’d be less reckless than when I was younger, but I realized I was more daring and careless now compared to before. I fell in love.

After all, what could be so wrong about loving?

Falling in love with the wrong person.

I started to hate myself for it. I began expecting, hoping. I began feeling hurt, disappointed. I started to hate feelings. I hated how I could be so affected with something I know I shouldn’t be. I hated caring. I started getting depressed. I started pushing him away. I hate feeling I loved him more than he loves me. I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I hate everything about falling in love.

I am probably selfish, yes. I am the kind of person who’d run away if I know it was hopeless. One reason why I have had so many relationships that just didn’t work out. I’d rather preserve myself than sink head deep in my own shit (feelings). I’d rather just get out and clean myself.

Reality is, it’s a pattern. I hate myself for being part of this loop. If I was alone, if I didn’t fall in love, I’d probably still be happy.

How do I get out?

Ifs…

If I could bring back the time when we were together, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could see you again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could stare into the depths of your eyes again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could kiss your lips again, I am not certain I would want to.

If I could fall in love with you again, I am certain I would not want to.

Because…

If I do bring back the time when we were together, I’d do everything to make you stay.

If I do see you again, I am not sure that I would not run away.

If I could stare into the depths of your eyes again, I may betray that I never wanted to let you go.

If I could kiss your lips again, I may not stop holding on.

If I could fall in love with you again, I may not be able to love someone else when you leave again.

But…

If I could grab the stars, cup them in my hands, and give them to you, I probably would.

If I could light up your night by freeing a cage of fireflies, I probably would.

If I could climb mountains, capture the sunrise to show them to you, I probably would.

If I could trek the ravenous tracks, ask the seeds from God and give them to you to plant, I probably would.

If I could dive underwater and hold my breath until at the brink of death to give you life, I probably would.

Until now, whenever I close my eyes and remember you, I only wish I have never met you. Whenever I remember the smoothness of your skin, I only wish I have never touched you. Whenever I see that we were together, only to realize I was dreaming, I wish I have never fell so hard.

Because…

Probably, just probably, I still love you.

 

A Reply to My Previous Reblog: The Last time I Will Ever Think of You

Dear my recent ex-boyfriend,

I’m the bad person. I know that much.

I’m the one who always complains, whines and wants to break up with you. I can’t even recount the number of times I’ve broken up with you or begged you to let me go.

Those times that I hurt you because I wanted to break up with you were also the times I thought twice about our relationship. I admired your persistence. When we first met, I was clear that I did not want anything more than a friend. You were a great friend. I thought such notion would work well for us. However, you started hitting on me. I did not like you that way. I knew you were fragile. I knew I was going to hurt you. I wanted to keep myself away from you.

You made me choose – either I date you and become your girlfriend or you walk away and I lose you. I was selfish. I did not want to lose a friend so I chose to date you even though I knew I was not ready for a relationship. I swallowed it. I did not feel anything when you touch my hand, or kiss me. I was angry all the time because I regret what you had done to me. If you liked me then as you claimed, why did you have to blackmail me? Why put me in such a position?

Months passed. Weeks have not gone by without fights – mainly because I start it. I was not content. My heart was troubled. I did not like you as a boyfriend. I regretted our relationship. I have insisted on an open dating relationship. You were possessive. I never said “I love you” until two months after. I probably lied because I did not love you like how you want me to love you. I loved you as my friend, as my confidant. Heck, even before our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship started, you knew my secrets – my pains, my wants, my frustrations. When we started dating, you were a frustration and I could not tell anyone.

Three months into our relationship, I opened up about my past relationships. You have always viewed them as a bad past of me. I did not view them as such. They were experiences to me and I’ve accepted them as a part of me. I need not tell the world about my relationships and its details. You wanted to know every bit of it. I told you and you viewed them as faults. I felt like a broken person nobody wanted and needed to be fixed.

I felt like I was a project to you.

You were a vegetarian and when around you, I could not eat meat. It started slowly but eventually you started telling me not to eat meat totally. You never viewed yourself as a controlling person but that is how I view you. What you wanted was what you wanted and I don’t have any say in it. My fault was I let you do that to me. I just lash out and keep on starting fights which hurt you because that was the only way I knew you would even listen to me.

I have always brought up the concept of respect in our fights. I have always felt you did not respect me – my views, my opinions, my habits, my past, myself. With you, I felt I just lost myself. I felt like damaged goods. Probably because that was how you viewed me. I was someone to be fixed. The ironic thing about it is that before you, I did not feel that. I felt I was free and happy and I could do a lot of things. Then you happened.

I lied about many things. Sometimes I would say I did not eat meat but for dinner, there was only meat so I ate it. You would have wanted me to skip meals anyway. Sometimes I would also say that I am going to sleep, but I was actually up until 2 in the morning watching a TV show. Almost all my time was spent messaging you that’s why I couldn’t get time for myself and do things I want to do. You have always complained when I don’t message for two minutes. What more if I disappeared for hours watching TV? For you, couples should always be messaging and be in touch. I was not like that from the beginning. You wanted me to change. So I tried messaging you all the time. I have to admit I get bored most of the time because you just wanted to talk about how much I love you or how much I wanted to hug or kiss you. I didn’t enjoy talking about those things.

You have always been a sensitive person. Oversensitive, in fact. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia and forget who I am so I could forget about you. I almost always lied about my feelings because I hated to see you sad if I answered truthfully and I knew it would make you sad. I have always felt imprisoned by you. You just probably loved me too much.

I eventually changed and appreciated you more. You were a rock I could lean on, a friend who could listen to me. You changed too. You didn’t need me to message you all the time. It came to a point that you were my only happiness. Fights became less frequent – we could go on for five straight days without fighting. I was happy. I loved you. Truly. However, not as much as you loved me. My love was not enough. Heck, I did not even mind that my parents knew about our relationship and yours don’t. You said your mom flared up when you told her you liked me. She clearly did not want her son involved with me because I am from another country. I have a different culture, different food habits, different language. I was a secret for over a year and I did not mind that everyone knew except people who were really important to you.

We were going to separate and I was clear I did not want a long distance relationship. You wanted to keep the relationship. Two days later, I changed my mind and said we should try it. We finally separated but we were in touch. It was not enough. We fight a lot mainly because I am fickle. I knew I loved you but it was not enough. I cannot see myself with you in the future. I could not commit to you. I could not take it anymore that I was a secret. I felt like a person no one wanted. It hurts when I see my friends in a stable and committed relationship. I was envious. I was not happy.

I told you in the midst of my depression that I was not happy. I have been truthful. I was clear that I cannot see myself with you in the future. I was clear that I do not love you as much as you love me. Fights were frequent again. I was the bad person. I was the liar.

I am sorry if you felt led on. I did not want to do that. I thought I would try. I’m sorry. I should not have blamed you. I was angry. I was angry because of the decisions I made. I should have let you walk away from the beginning. I should have not been selfish. We could have been both spared a lot of pain. I’m sorry I want this over. I’m sorry that I make you feel your love is not enough. You loved me too much and I was not grateful enough. I’m sorry I come running back to you even after telling you I’m breaking up with you. I should have been strong to walk away. I have personal issues. I am not a person you deserve.

You deserve someone better – someone worthy of your love. To move on with our lives you have to let me go. Please let me go so you can be happy.

There are many truths and lies in our relationship. You need only remember one truth: I have loved you. However, I cannot give you the same. I am setting you free and I want you to fly free. Don’t hold on to me. Please be happy.

Sincerely,

xxxx

C.S. Lewis: To Love at All as Illustrated by Zen Pencils

The cartoon below actually reminded me of my boyfriend right now. I remember how I used to be so mean to him and not care how much he loves me. Now, ever since coming here to Louisiana, I appreciate him more. I can say I’m actually more in love with him and it even got me to thinking he might be the one. I actually wish he is.

Zen Pencils article also read –

‘The full version of this quote, taken from Lewis’s book, The Four Loves, reads:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”’

103. C.S. LEWIS: To love at all