A Reply to My Previous Reblog: The Last time I Will Ever Think of You

Dear my recent ex-boyfriend,

I’m the bad person. I know that much.

I’m the one who always complains, whines and wants to break up with you. I can’t even recount the number of times I’ve broken up with you or begged you to let me go.

Those times that I hurt you because I wanted to break up with you were also the times I thought twice about our relationship. I admired your persistence. When we first met, I was clear that I did not want anything more than a friend. You were a great friend. I thought such notion would work well for us. However, you started hitting on me. I did not like you that way. I knew you were fragile. I knew I was going to hurt you. I wanted to keep myself away from you.

You made me choose – either I date you and become your girlfriend or you walk away and I lose you. I was selfish. I did not want to lose a friend so I chose to date you even though I knew I was not ready for a relationship. I swallowed it. I did not feel anything when you touch my hand, or kiss me. I was angry all the time because I regret what you had done to me. If you liked me then as you claimed, why did you have to blackmail me? Why put me in such a position?

Months passed. Weeks have not gone by without fights – mainly because I start it. I was not content. My heart was troubled. I did not like you as a boyfriend. I regretted our relationship. I have insisted on an open dating relationship. You were possessive. I never said “I love you” until two months after. I probably lied because I did not love you like how you want me to love you. I loved you as my friend, as my confidant. Heck, even before our boyfriend-girlfriend relationship started, you knew my secrets – my pains, my wants, my frustrations. When we started dating, you were a frustration and I could not tell anyone.

Three months into our relationship, I opened up about my past relationships. You have always viewed them as a bad past of me. I did not view them as such. They were experiences to me and I’ve accepted them as a part of me. I need not tell the world about my relationships and its details. You wanted to know every bit of it. I told you and you viewed them as faults. I felt like a broken person nobody wanted and needed to be fixed.

I felt like I was a project to you.

You were a vegetarian and when around you, I could not eat meat. It started slowly but eventually you started telling me not to eat meat totally. You never viewed yourself as a controlling person but that is how I view you. What you wanted was what you wanted and I don’t have any say in it. My fault was I let you do that to me. I just lash out and keep on starting fights which hurt you because that was the only way I knew you would even listen to me.

I have always brought up the concept of respect in our fights. I have always felt you did not respect me – my views, my opinions, my habits, my past, myself. With you, I felt I just lost myself. I felt like damaged goods. Probably because that was how you viewed me. I was someone to be fixed. The ironic thing about it is that before you, I did not feel that. I felt I was free and happy and I could do a lot of things. Then you happened.

I lied about many things. Sometimes I would say I did not eat meat but for dinner, there was only meat so I ate it. You would have wanted me to skip meals anyway. Sometimes I would also say that I am going to sleep, but I was actually up until 2 in the morning watching a TV show. Almost all my time was spent messaging you that’s why I couldn’t get time for myself and do things I want to do. You have always complained when I don’t message for two minutes. What more if I disappeared for hours watching TV? For you, couples should always be messaging and be in touch. I was not like that from the beginning. You wanted me to change. So I tried messaging you all the time. I have to admit I get bored most of the time because you just wanted to talk about how much I love you or how much I wanted to hug or kiss you. I didn’t enjoy talking about those things.

You have always been a sensitive person. Oversensitive, in fact. Sometimes I feel like banging my head against the wall. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia and forget who I am so I could forget about you. I almost always lied about my feelings because I hated to see you sad if I answered truthfully and I knew it would make you sad. I have always felt imprisoned by you. You just probably loved me too much.

I eventually changed and appreciated you more. You were a rock I could lean on, a friend who could listen to me. You changed too. You didn’t need me to message you all the time. It came to a point that you were my only happiness. Fights became less frequent – we could go on for five straight days without fighting. I was happy. I loved you. Truly. However, not as much as you loved me. My love was not enough. Heck, I did not even mind that my parents knew about our relationship and yours don’t. You said your mom flared up when you told her you liked me. She clearly did not want her son involved with me because I am from another country. I have a different culture, different food habits, different language. I was a secret for over a year and I did not mind that everyone knew except people who were really important to you.

We were going to separate and I was clear I did not want a long distance relationship. You wanted to keep the relationship. Two days later, I changed my mind and said we should try it. We finally separated but we were in touch. It was not enough. We fight a lot mainly because I am fickle. I knew I loved you but it was not enough. I cannot see myself with you in the future. I could not commit to you. I could not take it anymore that I was a secret. I felt like a person no one wanted. It hurts when I see my friends in a stable and committed relationship. I was envious. I was not happy.

I told you in the midst of my depression that I was not happy. I have been truthful. I was clear that I cannot see myself with you in the future. I was clear that I do not love you as much as you love me. Fights were frequent again. I was the bad person. I was the liar.

I am sorry if you felt led on. I did not want to do that. I thought I would try. I’m sorry. I should not have blamed you. I was angry. I was angry because of the decisions I made. I should have let you walk away from the beginning. I should have not been selfish. We could have been both spared a lot of pain. I’m sorry I want this over. I’m sorry that I make you feel your love is not enough. You loved me too much and I was not grateful enough. I’m sorry I come running back to you even after telling you I’m breaking up with you. I should have been strong to walk away. I have personal issues. I am not a person you deserve.

You deserve someone better – someone worthy of your love. To move on with our lives you have to let me go. Please let me go so you can be happy.

There are many truths and lies in our relationship. You need only remember one truth: I have loved you. However, I cannot give you the same. I am setting you free and I want you to fly free. Don’t hold on to me. Please be happy.

Sincerely,

xxxx

The Last Time I’ll Ever Think About You

I feel like if my recent ex-boyfriend wrote me a letter, he would have written this.

Frustrations

I have more free time nowadays than I could have imagined before coming here. I find it amazing how the mind thinks that it’s always greener on the other side.

With more time on my hands, I’ve had the chance to also look through my Facebook news feed more often. After such browsing, I get frustrated. Why?

I see people posting loads of articles such as “These interns earn higher than you” or “These companies pay interns more than full time employees” and the like.

I am not frustrated because I’m unemployed and interns earn higher than I do but because of the mentality the poster holds. First of all, aside from posting as such, they also have a caption like, “@tagwhoever let’s apply!” It displays ignorance, naiveté and stupidity. Let me break it down:

Ignorance – the article clearly illustrates companies in the United States hiring engineering interns to work/learn from them. To be qualified for such internships, you have to be studying engineering in a top university in the United States. My point is, situate the articles and your comments accordingly. When I say accordingly, I mean according to your location, qualifications and background. The poster was from the Philippines. How will you apply for such a position when you’re not even in the US, do not hold an engineering degree and not even taking up a postgraduate degree currently? You can’t just say, “@whoever let’s apply!” when you don’t even situate it accordingly.

Naiveté – this is somewhat similar to above. The article made it clear that whatever they posted came from engineering interns. By the way, these engineering interns would also earn more after they graduate. Or, better yet they have already graduated and taking an internship for experience. More often than not, they already have a job offer with the company. These interns are also more or less US citizens or hold green cards. Not many companies, if there are any, hire and sponsor working visas for international students who are entry level.

Stupidity – I honestly think I’ve made my point pretty clear. Think before you post. It would be okay if you could have had a caption like, “Wow I wish I studied engineering and was born as US citizen.” Or something like, “I’m an engineer! I could do this, just have to marry an American.”

Okay, why is this ticking me off so much? It’s because such articles were posted more than once on my news feed. When I was in the US looking for a job, it was appropriate for me but I am certain that it wasn’t for them. I sound so negative because I have experienced how difficult it is to find a job there especially when you stick with integrity rather than getting pressured with the bandwagon.

Message for the day: Think before you post. Analyze and evaluate.