I really don’t know what this is…

Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.

I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.

Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.

By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.

I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.

Hello 2015!

As followed from my earlier post (Check out Kaibizzen’s article here), here’s a list of questions for 2015.

1. What do I most want to be thankful for one year from now?

I would want to be thankful this year for –

• remarkable travels (they may be few, but that’s okay)
• an amazing year for NMI
  • our projections became real
  • the strategy is correct
  • that we have the right people
  • and that culture has changed for the better
• being able to contribute significantly to NMI and Route +63
• having the time to enhance my skills and knowledge
• having a significant impact to people I meet
• meeting more amazing people

2. What will get me up early and keep me up late with excitement?

Knowing that my strategic plan is working!! haha (I meant the plan I contributed to)

3. Why do I want to achieve these things?

Because I want to confirm that this is the right path for me. I want to know if what I’m doing is right, and if my skills are fit for the job.

4. What are the rituals/habits I need to do to help me achieve this?

Read up. Learn about strategy. Constantly evaluate. Constantly look up the plan and revise accordingly.

5. How prepared am I to do whatever I have to do achieve this?

I think I am prepared enough at this point to do whatever it takes. I know that as time passes, unfolding whether or not the plan is working, I will be more than prepared to do whatever I have to do to achieve it.

6. How will I know that I’m on track to achieve my goals?

As I said, evaluate. Look up the plan and revise accordingly.

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I’m beginning to think I am scary… My head is just wrapped around my job. I think that’s a good thing though.

Freedom #3

To be honest, I think I really am lacking in creativity when it comes to thinking of titles. LOL

Anyway, I have noticed that lately it seems that I am more motivated to do things, maybe because I have the time in my hands and it’s just a waste not to do anything! And that is good! My friend did say that I am somehow restless, but nevertheless, sometimes it’s good. It gives me something to do. As it was said, if you want to accomplish more each day, watch less TV (I haven’t really watched anything yet 🙂 ).

So on with the 4th day…

4th Day

• paid for my visa application fee (have to wait a while before I can schedule; P.S. I walked back from the bank to my house, probably around 2-3 km)
• had the entertainment system set up (well actually I just waited for the guy setting it up to finish)
• exercised (Hip Hop Abs yo! It’s the second day of exercise and I’m feeling jovial!)
• arranged the clothes in my closet (they’re not exactly in order, the cleaning lady or my mom just hangs the clothes and my clothes are color and type-coded! Like all skirts go here, all dresses here, all blue dresses here, all black dresses here. Somehow they just couldn’t get it 😦 Anyway I’m doing a part 2 of my arranging tomorrow)

It honestly could be worse… and the above are just a few of them, and I have a walk in closet. Imagine the horror!

Oh and before anything else, a shoutout to my dear friend, Naveen Narayan, Happy 23rd birthday!!!

Freedom #2

I have this inclination to list down the things I had accomplished/done after my resignation. It provides a good picture of the opportunity costs while I was working. However, of course it’s a given that all my money is being spent and not even a single centavo is being replenished… but aside from all that, here goes my third day of freedom –

3rd Day

• had a treatment (been waiting to do this for ages, however it is dependent on the haircut so now that my hair has been chopped off, finally had the chance to do this)
• met up with a friend for lunch (can actually meet up with friends while the sun is still out! *tears of joy*)
• cleaned the bathroom at the condo (yes, I purposely dropped by the condo to clean this since I have been pending it for four weeks already [condo = apartment])
• accomplished my DS 160 (yes, I have finally done it! Next is I just have to pay the application fee!)

I still have a lot of pending tasks on my list (such as losing weight which will not happen in one day even in my wildest dreams) and it just feels great that somehow all the things I cannot do because I was at work is now doable. I’m not recommending being a bum and unemployed (technically I’m not since I am running a business with friends) but sometimes it’s just good to take a break and do things that has been nagging your mind for a while. It eases the pimple growth too!

Freedom

Well I’m beginning to think this post is somewhat overdue but nevertheless…

I learned around June 19, 2012 that my supervisor was resigning. It didn’t really come as quite a shock as on the day I learned about it, a little bird told me a rumor that two higher officials are going to be fired. Apparently, the true story was, two higher officials resigned, weren’t fired, and those two were my bosses. Upon learning the news, I didn’t know whether to be excited or not. I was quite dumbfounded not because they resigned, but because they were resigning before I am.

Two weeks before I learned of the news, I already told the bosses that I can only stay until the end of July since I will be taking up my Master’s soon and I have to arrange some things. Apparently, they had submitted their letter of resignation around that time as well without letting anyone know. They said they were waiting for a go signal from the big boss as their resignation might have political implications (*grumble… politics*).

Once I have learned of the news, I drafted my resignation letter effective the same date as those of my bosses. I was co-terminus with them and once they are out of the office, my position is gone too. Although the Office of the Secretary did tell me their intention of absorbing me back to their office again, I didn’t really want to repeat all those hellish days agaib. LOL and I’m resigning anyway end of July, what’s there to lose if it’s a month earlier? (I know it’s money but I don’t think it’ll be worth it).

I submitted my resignation letter to my immediate supervisor, CC’d the personnel last June 25, 2012. This was after I received permission from my supervisor to already submit it. It was effective June 30, 2012 as that was the date my boss’ resignation is effective as well. Looking back last week, I was really anticipating it. Monday morning, I barely want to stand up and get ready for work. I was THAT excited to experience sleeping in again.

Fast forward to today, I am glad I resigned. I do need quite a bit of time to get everything ready before I fly to CA. I’m actually looking for a more relaxed lifestyle before I jump in to the unknown again. However, only problem is, I have been getting restless. Maybe it’s the thought of I have so many things to do that I want them over and done with now, thus I am restless. Or maybe it’s the fact that I do know I have to do lots of things but unless I finish a very distractive (get the pun?) game of Burger Island, I won’t be able to move forward with my list of To Do’s.

So first two days of not having work… how is it?

AWESOME.

I already made progress –

1st Day:

• went to the bank to open Route +63’s account (which reminds me that I have to also write about this)
• went to the bank to withdraw payment for parents (yes, I owe them money)
• had my haircut (oh this is an achievement! a long pending to do!)

From the waist-long curly hair, I really just had to request for it to be chopped off just above the shoulder. I must be insane.

2nd Day:

• had my photo taken for the US visa application (yes that’s right, I don’t have my visa yet)
• went to the nail spa and had a paraffin treatment for the hands and feet plus a mani-pedi (and I just love the color of the nail polish!)

• went to get DQ blizzard (oh how I missed you! how long has it been?)
• actually filled out a part of my US visa application (sigh… I really want to get this off my head but I would have to do this later… have to look at some other documents)
• blogged about freedom and resignation (yes, to me, this is freedom.)

To be fair, I really do think I have accomplished a lot from the first two days of my freedom. We’ll see about the third day later. And yes, I really do believe that for me this is freedom from my previous job in particular. No one aside from those who have worked with me knows the extent of freedom resignation can give especially if you have been working there. LOL yes, I’m also exaggerating. 🙂

Part I: Discerning

Yesterday, my thoughts were in disarray. I was so confused and I didn’t know what direction to take, or if I have been doing things right.

I have been scouting for a school for Masters. Before, I have been casually browsing through universities and business schools, but now it seems as if I have become too overwhelmed. I think this all started when I read this article, We the restless, which was published several days ago in a local newspaper. I can relate well since on my first job with IBM, I only stayed for a few months – five and a half – to be precise. I was on contract then, and was finally offered the position but according to the management, I would have to be under probation for three more months because my contract was initially under project-based or contractual. I was offered to stay in my position thrice. I rejected it thrice. Here’s why:

1. I felt that I had no personal growth if I stayed there. Sure, I felt I could climb up the corporate ladder but how long would it take me? The person I replaced moved one position higher after 5 years working there.
2. I felt no fulfillment. It was just about serving the client and attending to their problems and issues, then reporting it. It was very administrative. At the end of it all, I would be asking myself, what I had done significantly today? I was actually glad that nowadays, most people would look for a fulfilling job irregardless of the salary. I also read this article online citing the desire of the workforce for some meaningful work, something that would give them fulfillment.
3. Third – I was bored. There were times when the pressure is high and the adrenaline is rushing, but most days, I was just bored of the plain old routine. And I would be the last person who likes routine.
4. I was earning very little. Even if we have twice a year increase, I would estimate my salary to increase only 10% per year at the most.
5. Before I left, there was news of relocating to another site. This site would add 30 more minutes of driving from my house.

And then I transferred to government… vis-a-vis my IBM experience…

1. I think I’ve grown a lot… the work in the government is very dynamic. Of course, before I was transferred departments, I felt utterly useless but now that I moved, there are a lot of things I have learned but I feel they aren’t enough.
2. It’s more fulfilling knowing you’re affecting many people and you know that you’re doing it for their good. However, the downside is, who gives a crap about this? When they ask me what my position is I have to ask, “officially or what I really do?” You see, in government, it’s very hard to get an item thus why no one in their proper mind (unless they’re a martyr, incompetent or heroic) would actually spend their years or even attempt to go into government.
3. Well, I’m not bored. Sometimes I would relish the down days when there aren’t too much activities, because to be honest, it’s very stressful. Compared to this, IBM is very very very relaxed.
4. I’m still earning very little. Although my salary is much higher than if I would have stayed in IBM. Bad thing is, the government doesn’t have budgets for salary increase. It’s all about heroism.
5. I had to rent a place because it takes me 50 minutes more to travel to the office as compared to my last job. It takes me 15-20 minutes walking from the apartment to the office.

I know, I’m starting to think I make really bad decisions. So now that makes me confused about my position right now…

To be continued… just because I know no one wants to read long posts unless they’re funny.

Chill

The view from my office