I confessed…

I signed up for a Catholic seminar a month ago. The seminar was supposed to be held from August 26-27, and one of the preparations required for attendees is to confess.

I confessed.

After so many years, I confessed. After years of keeping all my sins a secret because I was so guilty, and embarrassed, I confessed.

The priest centered around one topic before letting me go – Love.

He said, see God’s image in everyone and you will learn how to care, you will learn how to love.

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That night, I told him I confessed my sins to the priest.

He asked me what I confessed. He was curious.

I said, it will make you think terribly of me. I did something terrible.

He insisted. I said I’d rather keep it a secret. He kept quiet.

After a few minutes of silence, I realized I should tell him because he deserves to know. It was a risk. He might hate me, be disgusted by me… but I decided. I decided I want to be honest with someone. I want that relationship wherein I am me, and that I know he knows he can trust me.

I told him.

He said, “that doesn’t make you a terrible person,” then he held me tight and that lulled me to sleep.

Healing through Love

Like before, he is with me through tough times. Unlike before, we have a mutual understanding of what we are to each other.

Most nights I stay up and talk to him. Most nights I can’t get enough of talking to him.

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Two weeks ago, around 3 PM:

Me (via text): I’m having a bad day at work.

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Me (upon seeing him): Hey, how was your day?

Him: Why did you have a bad day at work? What happened?

It was the first time in a long time that someone actually cared to ask me how my day went. It was the first time in a long time that someone actually remembered I had a bad day and didn’t talk about his day first. I was so used to listening to other people that it surprised me that someone would want to hear what I had to say.

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When we were talking about the girls he could have met up with last year…

Me: So if you’re so lazy to meet up with girls, why did you always visit me in Taft?

Him: Because… you’re good. You have a good profile, and you’re (a) good (person).

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Some days I’d imagine where could our conversations lead…

Me: So you’ve really never fallen in love?

Him: Never

Me: Why not?

Him: Because… (pause) How do you know you’re in love?

Me: It’s when you always want to hold his hand even if you’re just lying down on the bed talking or going about your business. It’s when you talk and you look at him and you knew your eyes are twinkling. It’s when you gaze at him and think how much you want to kiss him but you don’t. It’s when you catch yourself stealing glimpses of him while he works on his laptop. It’s when in the mornings you wrap your arms around him, and you never want to get up even though you’re late for work. It’s when you look at him while he’s sleeping and wish that what you have right now won’t end. It’s when you wake up and look at him sleeping beside you and think how every single day of your life would be complete if you wake up every morning with him beside you.

Him: Is that how you feel about me?

Me: Yes.

How do you tell…

My mother asked me earlier after noticing my swollen eyes, “Have you been crying?”

I answered, “I fell asleep, and just woke up.”

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most, your mom, that you have spent the past 6 hours crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been in a war against yourself for the past 3 years and you’ve tried so hard to keep it together but now you’re just falling into pieces?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, someone ripped your spirit into dust, and all you are left with is a silent torment?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have spent the past two and a half hours snapping a rubber band on your wrist repeatedly to manage the urges?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have endured so much and all you can remember were the hurtful words that were carelessly said, and the hurtful actions that were unwittingly done?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that the thoughts which are running in your head was about that person you thought of every waking moment – his eyes, his nose, his lips, his smile – and how he raised his voice at you in public for the nth time?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when he spoke like that with you in public, you tried to keep a straight face and show you don’t care because you knew that if for one second, you look at him, you’d end up crying?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that when you finally ended up crying in front of that person despite your willful efforts – that he just looked at you unemotionally while you try to quickly wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you knew he wouldn’t wipe away your tears?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you have been tormenting yourself by going back again and again, telling yourself it would always be the last time you’re going to be hurt again?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that today, your skin shivers, your cells are screaming, your mind is barely keeping itself together, and you’re seconds away from breaking down?

…because how do you tell one of the people you loved the most that you just want to sleep forever to forget the pain?

…because, in all honesty, how do you tell those to that one person you love without disappointing, worrying or hurting them?

I really don’t know what this is…

Last week, I was so demotivated at work. I even searched reasons why one gets demotivated at work just to confirm if I was really demotivated. I realized that I was demotivated because I felt no one really values the work I do. No one at work knows what I do. Even me. I can’t establish what my responsibilities are, or what my scope is. Whenever I try, my role changes to another but retains the title. I am confused and at a loss. The tragic thing is, even though I really really really want to blame someone else for the instability, I really couldn’t. It is my job. Yet, I feel powerless to control it.

I knew I was burning out. I was feeling that my efforts are wasted. My work was inefficient, and a lot of man hours in the trash. I was not accomplishing anything. It’s tiring me out.

Today, I am so grateful. I had a win after a long time. I felt so happy that I didn’t even bother that my unofficial partner was angry at me. I was even at the point of enjoying that no one was bothering me.

By the way, updates on my partner and I – we’re not doing good. We’ve been fighting a lot… And instability in my relationship life does not do good with an unstable work. Anyway, neither of us are happy, and I have been contemplating for a long time of breaking up with him. The only thing I am wary of is that, right now, I might be okay with it but come the time when my hormones act up (PMS), I’ll be crying my eyes out again.

I know I’m not okay… But I know I can’t give up. Planning to use the win today to inspire me.

A Romantic Line from Literature

This is officially my third post for the year 2015. Wow I’m starting to feel really productive… haha

And I also changed my blog’s theme! Yay for 2015! Moving on…

I was browsing my Facebook yesterday and I saw this post on my news feed, and I clicked on it. I felt so loving and romantic by the time I reached the 43rd quote. So to begin the year, I am sharing with you the said article so we can have some good vibes out there. 🙂

By the way, out of all the quotes, this was what I love the most (and it’s from my favorite poet!) –

Hello 2015!

As followed from my earlier post (Check out Kaibizzen’s article here), here’s a list of questions for 2015.

1. What do I most want to be thankful for one year from now?

I would want to be thankful this year for –

• remarkable travels (they may be few, but that’s okay)
• an amazing year for NMI
  • our projections became real
  • the strategy is correct
  • that we have the right people
  • and that culture has changed for the better
• being able to contribute significantly to NMI and Route +63
• having the time to enhance my skills and knowledge
• having a significant impact to people I meet
• meeting more amazing people

2. What will get me up early and keep me up late with excitement?

Knowing that my strategic plan is working!! haha (I meant the plan I contributed to)

3. Why do I want to achieve these things?

Because I want to confirm that this is the right path for me. I want to know if what I’m doing is right, and if my skills are fit for the job.

4. What are the rituals/habits I need to do to help me achieve this?

Read up. Learn about strategy. Constantly evaluate. Constantly look up the plan and revise accordingly.

5. How prepared am I to do whatever I have to do achieve this?

I think I am prepared enough at this point to do whatever it takes. I know that as time passes, unfolding whether or not the plan is working, I will be more than prepared to do whatever I have to do to achieve it.

6. How will I know that I’m on track to achieve my goals?

As I said, evaluate. Look up the plan and revise accordingly.

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I’m beginning to think I am scary… My head is just wrapped around my job. I think that’s a good thing though.

2014 Reflections

As I was browsing yesterday for some guidelines on how to manage my 2015, I saw an article on Kaibizzen, which is a Business Coaching website if I’m not mistaken. The questions presented in the article were thought-provoking and as such, I am taking the time to answer them.

1. What did I love about 2014?

I love how 2014 pushed me to grow and make adult decisions. I have to admit that it was not entirely an easy year to get by, but it was a year full of lessons. It’s like one of those teachers or bosses you dislike, or maybe even hated. You just hate them during that moment but after getting through them, you thank them because without them you wouldn’t learn what you know now. I basically grew up, and accepted adulthood this year.

2. What have been some of the amazing blessings that have happened to me?

Oh there are a lot.

• I travelled.
• I was able to come home.
• I met amazing people.
• I realized I have such a nice home, a nice family and amazing set of friends.
• I got into a minor car accident and my dad was there to help me out.
• I have a job that I love.
• I actually love my boss… haha
• I work with awesome people.
• I fell in love.
• I am able to fend for myself.

3. What did I achieve?

Interesting question… Well this year was more about finding myself. Getting to know myself. I’d say I became more mature, gained perspective, learned to unlearn and realized my worth. I learned to give and be unselfish. I learned how to forgive. I am happier. I believe that is what is important.

4. What are some of the things that I did in 2014 that I need to keep doing in 2015?

Keep learning. Keep improving. Listen but take heed. Do not care what other people think if what you are doing is right. Learn from smarter and better leaders. Read.

5. Who are some of the amazing people who have helped me in 2014? How did they help me?

• Mom and Dad – of course, I probably wouldn’t even survive without them.
• Clarence – my sister who had always something to say
• Mike – my brother who’d wrestle me out of my own world
• Aunt and Uncle – helped me out in going back to PH. Helped me out in ever possible way for the last 2 years.
• Anna – my roommate who kept me sane
• My ex – took me on a skiing trip which kept me from going crazy
• Jeng – who used her network and recommended me in my current job
• Carl – my best friend who was there to talk, cook for me and preoccupy my otherwise empty apartment haha
• Suzy – who was game to go on trips and humor my photography frustration
• Anna C. – who was always kulit
• My boss – who scolded and criticized me, pushed me harder
• Rizza – who took me to the wonderful world of sabaw (I’m serious)
• Telex – who was always there when I feel sad, and would treat me to dinner
• Andre – who has always lent an ear to my petty woes
• Zac and Leif – the crazy duo who surprised visit me and would always invite me to random trips even though I couldn’t go

6. Who are some of the amazing people that I have helped in 2014? How did I add value to their lives?

Good question… I never really thought about this…

• Carl – was there when she went through a rough time
• Suzy – lent an ear to talk about her situation
• Joesie – provided support as much as I could
• Clarence – well she has her splurging habits… she just uses my money haha
• My boss – I’m more or less certain I’ve helped in some way…

7. What have been some big and little things that I thought at the beginning of 2014 would be difficult or impossible to achieve – but I have!!

Nothing… Unfortunately I never really had any expectation for 2014. I just wanted to go back home that time.

8. How did I turn those things into reality? What were the steps that I took?

NA

9. What have been my greatest challenges in 2014?

There were two… First, it’s finally deciding to come home. It’s hard to decide because I was torn between potential opportunities in the US and just coming home. I wasn’t feeling any belonging anywhere and I just want to rush back to my comfort zone. Second, it’s living up to the expectations at work. I was sold in a certain way and I was expected to live up to it.

10. How have those challenges (in hindsight) really been a blessing?

Well, I decided to come home and I could never be happier. Home is home. I left a place where it was starting to feel terrible for me. I was looking for an escape. The solution was so easy… home.

For the second one, I finally opened myself to the criticisms. I realized I was being to egoistic and that is not the right attitude when you’re new at work. I forgot that I accepted the job for the learning experience. As a result, I was able to learn more and apply what I know.

11. What did I learn by going through those experiences?

First lesson is don’t be too proud to admit what you feel. I felt I was giving up by coming home but it turns out I was not giving up by coming home… it was moving forward. Same thing with work, I was getting frustrated because what I know didn’t seem to work, or is not applicable. I felt displaced. Once I admitted my weakness, I was able to open myself up to learning.

12. What have been some big and little things that have been difficult to achieve?

Big thing would be to adapt myself to what is needed at work. As I’ve said, it was a rollercoaster experience as I didn’t know where to position myself. But I semi-overcame that.

Another thing that was difficult to achieve was manage my expenses. Ever since I moved out of home, my expenses were just exact to my income and that’s a bad thing. I want to invest my money so I have to learn how to save first.

Next would be to handle my emotions. I have gotten so used to not caring. I have to stop being at extreme and manage my feelings. I have to stop obsessing and thinking about that one person I care about.

Losing weight was also a difficulty.

13. What’s the reason I didn’t achieve them?

For the financial challenge, it was because I was spending too much. I upgraded my lifestyle and didn’t realize I was overspending and not saving at all. I have to go back to how I was before and track my expenses.

For the emotional difficulty, I believe the main reason was it was unfamiliar so I didn’t know how to handle it. I am not certain how to handle it until now – I don’t know whether to be passive or aggressive about providing a solution for that.

For the last one, I just couldn’t stop eating sweets. My exercise habit is also meh.

14. What are the rituals or habits that have shaped my current results? (Be honest)

Hmm… I’m still reckless so that attributed to the difficulties I encountered. I am persistent and determined to prove people otherwise (if they criticize me). I also became more generous and I am much much happier about it.

15. What do I have to stop doing?

I have to stop obsessing. I have to stop making excuses and exercise. I have to eat healthy. I have to stop overspending.

16. What do I have to start doing?

Well first, I have to start doing something really productive which would preoccupy me so I can stop obsessing. I should also start planning out my meals and limit my dining out to once a week. I should also start exercising regularly. Lastly, I should start planning a saving scheme and start doing it.

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Wow that was a long post… didn’t expect it would take that much time. I’d love to hear from some people their 2014 reflections. 🙂

Thank you 2014

It’s been one hell of a ride this 2014.

So a really quick recap –

• I came back to my homeland (Oh how I missed it!)
  • Met up with friends
  • Went on random trips
  • Hung out with my brother and sister
  • Hung out with the family
• Went on a trip to Kota Kinabalu
  • Met an amazing girl who loves traveling
• Got a job in a startup
  • Got scolded for being to stubborn
  • Got told off for being unprepared
  • Was called too nice, too soft-spoken
  • Became the boss’ anger sponge (to be fair, I pushed it…)
  • Met amazing people
  • Unlearned what I know
  • Learned new things, became more aware and gained more perspective
  • Re-learned and reapplied what I know
  • Fell in love with my job
  • Was pushed to grow and become more competitive (it’s like my Masters program all over again!)
  • Have too much in my head
  • Realized I have to act faster to keep up with my thoughts
• Realigned personal interests with business interests
• Discovered new area (Makati and North QC!)
  • Discovered places to eat
  • Discovered places to shop
• Started fending for myself
  • Got an apartment to rent by myself
  • Stopped making my parents pay for my credit card bills (lol)
  • I pay for my food, my gas, everything
  • Learned how to budget
  • Takes sister out to splurge
  • Started taking a cab
  • Splurges on coffee
• Met amazing people not from work
• Lost 30 lbs
• Visited Bacolod and splurged on food
• Fell madly in love
• Re-evaluated the softer, more emotional side of me
• Was tested
• Hosted my host family (aunt and uncle!) from CA
• Celebrated my birthday with my family, shopping for Christmas haha
• Celebrated Christmas with family
• Worked during the holidays and didn’t mind at all
• Gave people food, money, gifts and loved every bit of it
• Will celebrate New Year’s with the family

It has been a crazy, wonderful year and I learned so much. Even though I had to put off my true love (travel), it was okay because I know after all this has paid off, I could always come back and it’ll be waiting for me with open arms.

Thank you 2014.

I welcome you 2015 and in fact, I am excited yet a teeny weeny bit scared of what’s going to come… still, BRING IT ON!

Roses and Love

Have you ever loved a rose, and bled against her thorns. And swear each night to let her go, then love her more by dawn. – Lang Leav

Recently, I’ve been reading more of Lang Leav than Neruda or Friedman.

Recently, I have also been crying more than I should. I have been enjoying my time at the office more than I enjoy my time when I get back to my apartment and left alone. I’d rather run, or spend my time in a coffee shop doing jigsaw puzzles or working. I hate being left to contemplate and remember. I am beginning to think that I have been holding on to more memories than I really should.

I’ve been listening to Jason Mraz’s A Beautiful Mess… It’s so weird how that song is so me haha

It’s so weird how I remember him whenever I see anything that pertains to a rose…

On another note… Earlier, I was thinking of how I made most of my personal posts private because my ex told me it’s bad for my online reputation. I stopped writing, and started drinking whenever I feel sad. Sometimes, I’d do things no one would even think I could do. I was pondering on the thought when I realized and asked myself, “why did I have to stop writing?” I remembered why I made this blog in the first place… And why it was entitled, Freedom per Thought.

I wonder if anyone notices more of what’s not there than what is there? For example, will anyone notice what is not written here rather than what is?

Aging

I have been mulling over a comment made by my roommate (yes, I finally have a roommate in a small flat I rented!) a week ago. She said, “you’re such a nerd,” which was triggered by me finally deciding on ‘The World is Flat’ as my go-to book to sleep. I looked at her weirdly and asked, “what? Why?” She answered, “You like playing jigsaw puzzles during your down time, you watch videos for online courses, and now you’re reading THAT to sleep.”

Me being a nerd was emphasized earlier while we were having dinner at a posh restaurant near our apartment. She basically observed that I have a strong inclination towards the left brain while our group of friends are more right-brained. I disagreed and realized that it was true. I told her I have other hobbies… such as traveling… Except I cannot travel much nowadays. She basically pointed out that that wouldn’t count as I can’t do it after work. I don’t paint, play music, draw, sketch etc. during my down time. Instead, as she pointed out, I read articles from Harvard Business Review, Forbes and Entrepreneur. People my age read Cosmopolitan or Vogue. Oh, and she watches reality TV shows.

True again. She wondered why we’re friends. I pointed out that we balance each other out.

We started talking about books we liked. It ranged from fiction to classics to biographies. We talked about Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre to Stieg Larsson to Neil Gaiman. We talked about work and how our schools had an influence on our perfomances. We talked about the future. We talked about perspectives on love, and making love.

I realized one important thing tonight. We’re adults. Fresh graduates look at us as if we’re a bunch of old people who know about the world. Friends look at us and say one thing about us right off the bat. Close friends look at us and tell us how stubborn we are. Best friends look at us and analyze us. They accept our perspectives. They accept who we are.

My group of acquaintances got larger over the years. My group of friends had gotten larger too, but my group of closest friends had gotten significantly smaller. I don’t mind. I don’t mind at all. Actually, I’m grateful. I’m grateful for having friends who have known me for years and stayed. I’m grateful for having friends who I can be myself with – all my flaws and bloopers.

I believe there’s wisdom in aging not because you simply age but because you meet people and you learn to appreciate those who stay. There’s beauty in watching someone else’s life grow, and there’s significance in being a part of such. I believe the mere act of staying and being there already makes a huge impact on any person, and I daresay, make the most out of it.